That being said, I'm back and I hope to fill these pages with more silly nonsense about the things I just can't get enough of. Thanks for hanging in there...and happy March!
Monday, February 28, 2011
Vacation's All I Ever Wanted...
Hey readers, I actually took a week-long vacation where I had no access to the internet, Facebook or my cell phone. It actually felt great to have nothing to tie me down - just like the old days when we actually lived life without having to document it as it happens.
That being said, I'm back and I hope to fill these pages with more silly nonsense about the things I just can't get enough of. Thanks for hanging in there...and happy March!
That being said, I'm back and I hope to fill these pages with more silly nonsense about the things I just can't get enough of. Thanks for hanging in there...and happy March!
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Kenneth Mars 1936-2011
Sunday, February 13, 2011
THE MANITOU
Here's a treat that I originally posted back in spring 2008.
THE MANITOU (1978), based on the novel by Graham Masterton, is your basic 1970s medical drama with horror elements, sort of like MARCUS WELBY, M.D. meets THE NIGHT GALLERY. It 's also cinematic tour of the entire San Francisco Bay Area! It concerns a pretty, single cable car-riding city gal named Karen (played by Susan Strasberg, daughter of acting guru Lee) who discovers a strange unexplainable growth on her upper back. After 3 days, her doctors decide it's a quickly growing tumor and decide to operate.
Luckily Karen had a muumuu-wearing phoney fortune teller friend named Harry (played by Tony Curtis who was clearly channelling Paul Lynde because he's playing the gayest banger-of-Susan-Strasberg ever), who after several attempts at giving her a "good" tarot card-reading decides that this growth may be worrisome. Later, an elderly client of Harry's becomes possessed and begins to mumble in strange languages after he deals her the "death" card - and then the old woman levitates and floats down the hallway, killing herself by falling down a flight of stairs, taking the entire wooden railing with her, section by section.
This is the best scene in the film. 
Meanwhile, at the Sisters of Jerusalem Hospital, Dr. Hughes attempts to remove her growth - but the surgery is called short when something forces him to cut his own hand with a scalpel. When Harry goes to visit Dr. Hughes in his futuristic office (he has a NASA-sized computer...and a red "bat-phone"!), he discovers that her growth might actually be a fetus(!) growing on the back of her neck. How did it get there? I guess maybe all that oral sex she's been having could be to blame?
Harry then decides to seek help from another psychic, so he travels down to Fisherman's Wharf to meet Amelia Crusoe (played by the usually slutty Stella Stevens - apparently in some sort of Gypsy makeup, and bordering on blackface) and her fat, bearded husband.
They invite a fat, VERY fat Ann Sothern over for a séance and things only get weirder, as chandeliers start to twirl and a creepy rubber head rises out of a the center of table - and it all ends with a bolt of lightning!
Back at the hospital, Karen`s tumor continues to grow at an alarming rate, causing Harry and company to trek even further North, over the Golden Gate bridge to Sausalito - where cantankerous Dr. Snow (Burgess Meredith, aka The Penguin) resides. Snow takes the crew into his dusty attic to show them his spiderweb collection. Here The Penguin tells Harry that he thinks Karen's problem is that she has a 400 year old Native American medicine man growing on her back - and he wants revenge!!! Better get Commishoner Gordon on that bat-phone, Dr. Hughes.
Next, Harry travels all the way to South Dakota - wearing what looks like bare-ass jeans - to find John Singing Rock (played by Barbara Eden's ex-husband Michael Ansara), one of the last remaining indian medicine men, who as it turns out, has the power to send the Indian Spirit back to where he came. But will the tumor man take over Karen completely before Rock can send him back to demon land?
So Harry and Rock head back to the Bay Area where Rock sizes up the situation. He unwraps his bag of tricks and decides to induce birth. Before you know it, Karen goes into labor, soon giving back birth to a naked brown-skinned dwarf with an Alanis Morrissette face and a buff gym body (played Felix Silla from BUCK ROGERS IN THE 25TH CENTURY) named Misquamacas or Miss Kwamacas.
The demon dwarf manages to kill an intern and break the mystic protective circle around the bed that Rock has made, and scares everybody by turning into a ridiculous-looking double exposed lizard. Then he goes all Mister Freeze and manages to create a wicked Winter Wonderland inside the hospital - even freezing the recptionist/nurse solid. So solid, that her pretty little head just snaps off. Miss Kwamacas then brings the dead orderly back to life to use as a weapon - to battle his lookalike!
In a big finale that has to be seen to be believed -Karen's hospital room then is transported into space! Karen sits up in bed wearing a giant Dottie West wig, topless (you can practically hear her dad Lee turning over in his grave!) and blasting lightning bolts and shooting electricity from her fingertips. For like 8 minutes. While Harry and the Rock duck and cover from the blasts. Over and over again. For the aforementioned 8 minutes.
Somehow the combination of Dr. Hughes and the Rock decide that Miss Kwamacas can only be defeated by turning on every computer in the hospital at the same time - causing a power surge and freeing Karen from his grasp. And it works! But not before Dr. Hughes explodes. Yes, he explodes. Much like your brain if you try to figure out this plot - which it turns out is based, not only on a novel, but also on a true story. Huh???
From the same director of ABBY, William Girdler, who tragically died after completing this film. Imagine the great films he would have made!!! THE MANITOU gets a 7 outta 10 on the "Huh?" scale.
THE MANITOU (1978), based on the novel by Graham Masterton, is your basic 1970s medical drama with horror elements, sort of like MARCUS WELBY, M.D. meets THE NIGHT GALLERY. It 's also cinematic tour of the entire San Francisco Bay Area! It concerns a pretty, single cable car-riding city gal named Karen (played by Susan Strasberg, daughter of acting guru Lee) who discovers a strange unexplainable growth on her upper back. After 3 days, her doctors decide it's a quickly growing tumor and decide to operate.
Luckily Karen had a muumuu-wearing phoney fortune teller friend named Harry (played by Tony Curtis who was clearly channelling Paul Lynde because he's playing the gayest banger-of-Susan-Strasberg ever), who after several attempts at giving her a "good" tarot card-reading decides that this growth may be worrisome. Later, an elderly client of Harry's becomes possessed and begins to mumble in strange languages after he deals her the "death" card - and then the old woman levitates and floats down the hallway, killing herself by falling down a flight of stairs, taking the entire wooden railing with her, section by section.
This is the best scene in the film. 
Meanwhile, at the Sisters of Jerusalem Hospital, Dr. Hughes attempts to remove her growth - but the surgery is called short when something forces him to cut his own hand with a scalpel. When Harry goes to visit Dr. Hughes in his futuristic office (he has a NASA-sized computer...and a red "bat-phone"!), he discovers that her growth might actually be a fetus(!) growing on the back of her neck. How did it get there? I guess maybe all that oral sex she's been having could be to blame?
Harry then decides to seek help from another psychic, so he travels down to Fisherman's Wharf to meet Amelia Crusoe (played by the usually slutty Stella Stevens - apparently in some sort of Gypsy makeup, and bordering on blackface) and her fat, bearded husband.
They invite a fat, VERY fat Ann Sothern over for a séance and things only get weirder, as chandeliers start to twirl and a creepy rubber head rises out of a the center of table - and it all ends with a bolt of lightning!
Back at the hospital, Karen`s tumor continues to grow at an alarming rate, causing Harry and company to trek even further North, over the Golden Gate bridge to Sausalito - where cantankerous Dr. Snow (Burgess Meredith, aka The Penguin) resides. Snow takes the crew into his dusty attic to show them his spiderweb collection. Here The Penguin tells Harry that he thinks Karen's problem is that she has a 400 year old Native American medicine man growing on her back - and he wants revenge!!! Better get Commishoner Gordon on that bat-phone, Dr. Hughes.Next, Harry travels all the way to South Dakota - wearing what looks like bare-ass jeans - to find John Singing Rock (played by Barbara Eden's ex-husband Michael Ansara), one of the last remaining indian medicine men, who as it turns out, has the power to send the Indian Spirit back to where he came. But will the tumor man take over Karen completely before Rock can send him back to demon land?
So Harry and Rock head back to the Bay Area where Rock sizes up the situation. He unwraps his bag of tricks and decides to induce birth. Before you know it, Karen goes into labor, soon giving back birth to a naked brown-skinned dwarf with an Alanis Morrissette face and a buff gym body (played Felix Silla from BUCK ROGERS IN THE 25TH CENTURY) named Misquamacas or Miss Kwamacas.
The demon dwarf manages to kill an intern and break the mystic protective circle around the bed that Rock has made, and scares everybody by turning into a ridiculous-looking double exposed lizard. Then he goes all Mister Freeze and manages to create a wicked Winter Wonderland inside the hospital - even freezing the recptionist/nurse solid. So solid, that her pretty little head just snaps off. Miss Kwamacas then brings the dead orderly back to life to use as a weapon - to battle his lookalike!
In a big finale that has to be seen to be believed -Karen's hospital room then is transported into space! Karen sits up in bed wearing a giant Dottie West wig, topless (you can practically hear her dad Lee turning over in his grave!) and blasting lightning bolts and shooting electricity from her fingertips. For like 8 minutes. While Harry and the Rock duck and cover from the blasts. Over and over again. For the aforementioned 8 minutes. 
Somehow the combination of Dr. Hughes and the Rock decide that Miss Kwamacas can only be defeated by turning on every computer in the hospital at the same time - causing a power surge and freeing Karen from his grasp. And it works! But not before Dr. Hughes explodes. Yes, he explodes. Much like your brain if you try to figure out this plot - which it turns out is based, not only on a novel, but also on a true story. Huh???
From the same director of ABBY, William Girdler, who tragically died after completing this film. Imagine the great films he would have made!!! THE MANITOU gets a 7 outta 10 on the "Huh?" scale.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Anonymous has left a new comment
I just love getting reader feedback on my blog posts. I really love when the feedback is for something I posted over a year ago - which tells me that people actually look at older posts! Who knew?
We'll, today I got an interesting little message from somebody named "Anonymous" that I'd like to share with my readers. This comment is in response to a post I made on September 29, 2009 on the controversial topic of celebrity record albums called "When TV Stars Sing".
Here is the lovely message from Anonymous:
Okay, let's dissect Anonymous' claims:
We'll, today I got an interesting little message from somebody named "Anonymous" that I'd like to share with my readers. This comment is in response to a post I made on September 29, 2009 on the controversial topic of celebrity record albums called "When TV Stars Sing".
Here is the lovely message from Anonymous:
Normally when I get messages like this (about one a year), I ignore it. But today, after learning about the death of the legendary goddess Tura Satana - I feel I have to respond somehow. Kinda like the angry drag queens who started the Stonewall Riots on the night Judy Garland died, but with a lot less makeup, feathers and glitter."You ruin your blog with hateful comments, but what else is new? Yet another leftie spewing stereotypical rhetoric, ie, all Republicans are nut jobs. The second such comment I've read from you, so I'll just leave your blog.
For the record, I am an independent, so I think you are all "nut jobs" in a moronic civil war. But you have to interject your immaturity into a blog that should be free of politics and religion. Wouldn't it bother you if a cool blog about classic stuff randomly called homosexuals (or blacks) hateful names? Or do you think that's fine, that everybody should be disrespectful?
You partisan political boneheads have ruined civility on this planet. I'll bet you probably think you are a peaceful, good person. But you have the same hate in your heart as terrorists. Aren't you proud?"
Okay, let's dissect Anonymous' claims:
Well, there's lots new. New York. New Kids on the Block. New Zoo Revue. I for one, do not think my blog is "ruined" - it's my damn blog and it's my damn opinions. My so-called hateful comments are in response to other people's bigotry and intolerance. In the case of Buddy Ebsen - he was a not a nice person. His negative campaign against co-star Nancy Kulp has been well documented, and it cost her an election."You ruin your blog with hateful comments, but what else is new? "
I don't recall ever saying all Republicans are nutjobs. Not ALL Republicans are nutjobs - but a lot are. So are some Democrats. And liberals. And independents. And people without a sense of humor."Yet another leftie spewing stereotypical rhetoric, ie, all Republicans are nut jobs."
Well, thanks for visiting."The second such comment I've read from you, so I'll just leave your blog."
Glad you cleared that up."For the record, I am an independent, so I think you are all "nut jobs" in a moronic civil war."
Religion & politics are a part of pop culture, always have been, honey. My immaturity is part of my charm. :)"But you have to interject your immaturity into a blog that should be free of politics and religion. "
I'm sure a blog like that exists. It wouldn't bother me because I wouldn't visit it, just like I don't get my news from FOX. The difference here is political affiliation is a conscious CHOICE that someone makes based on their views. Sexual orientation and race are not. Besides "nutjob" isn't hateful - it's fucking funny!"Wouldn't it bother you if a cool blog about classic stuff randomly called homosexuals (or blacks) hateful names?"
There is difference between "free speech" and "hate speech". If I said that people should go out and kill Buddy Ebsen's family and deface his grave with feces - that would be disrespectful."Or do you think that's fine, that everybody should be disrespectful?"
Civility is still alive. Is calling someone a "bonehead" civil?"You partisan political boneheads have ruined civility on this planet."
I know I am, bitch."I'll bet you probably think you are a peaceful, good person."
Yes, because calling Buddy Ebsen a nutjob is the same as crashing a plane into the Twin Towers."But you have the same hate in your heart as terrorists."
Oh I'm very proud. Proud that I have 8000 visitors per week who enjoy my blog for what it is - a reflection of the things I like and want to share with like-minded people, not Anonymous visitors who get all bent out of shape because I call Buddy Ebsen a nutjob."Aren't you proud?"
Friday, February 4, 2011
The Abductors
Here's a "review" I first ran back in 2008. Warning: This movie review contains shocking female nudity! Imagine watching THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK - and after it's over you realize there's another film called STAR WARS that you didn't even know about. Well, my friends, this has sadly happened to me. THE ABDUCTORS (1972, directed by Don Schain) is the sequel to GINGER (1971) and the prequel to GIRLS ARE FOR LOVING (1973)! If I only knew this going in, I would have preferred to watch the trilogy in order-but since I didn't, I'll ignore the first one (for now) and tell you all about Episode 2 in the adventures of Ginger Cartwright, secret agent. 
One part James Bond, two parts Russ Meyer, THE ABDUCTORS is soft-core porn at its best. While there is plenty of nudity (full frontal for every female character and a few of the unnattractive males) and plenty of simulated sex acts - there is actually a semi-coherent plot going on in this movie. Like Jackie Collins, I will italicize all the naughty parts. So here's the story: three cheerleaders are abducted and sold into white slavery. The End. Alright, there's a little more to it than that. First we see a naked beauty-pageant contestant getting tied up and put in a cage - and we know immediately what kind of a movie we are in for. Next, the aforementioned cheerleaders are ambushed by a trio of thugs and forced to strip to their panties while one of the thugs sets their convertible on fire. We notice how odd it is to see topless women with natural, un-altered breasts. A local investigator calls on the ever-braless Ginger to help crack the case of the missing girls. He gives her a stylish briefcase filled with all sorts of gadgets including tracking devices that can be swallowed! After deducing that all the kidnapped women were also featured in the local newspaper, Ginger (Cheri Caffaro, the best actress in the film - which isn't saying much) teams up with a stylish advertising exec (Richard Smedley) who agrees to help her in her investigation. 
Ginger introduces him to a sexy up-and-coming model named Carter Winston (Jennifer Brooks), who is really going undercover as a potential abductee.
One part James Bond, two parts Russ Meyer, THE ABDUCTORS is soft-core porn at its best. While there is plenty of nudity (full frontal for every female character and a few of the unnattractive males) and plenty of simulated sex acts - there is actually a semi-coherent plot going on in this movie. Like Jackie Collins, I will italicize all the naughty parts. So here's the story: three cheerleaders are abducted and sold into white slavery. The End. Alright, there's a little more to it than that. First we see a naked beauty-pageant contestant getting tied up and put in a cage - and we know immediately what kind of a movie we are in for. Next, the aforementioned cheerleaders are ambushed by a trio of thugs and forced to strip to their panties while one of the thugs sets their convertible on fire. We notice how odd it is to see topless women with natural, un-altered breasts. A local investigator calls on the ever-braless Ginger to help crack the case of the missing girls. He gives her a stylish briefcase filled with all sorts of gadgets including tracking devices that can be swallowed! After deducing that all the kidnapped women were also featured in the local newspaper, Ginger (Cheri Caffaro, the best actress in the film - which isn't saying much) teams up with a stylish advertising exec (Richard Smedley) who agrees to help her in her investigation. 
Ginger introduces him to a sexy up-and-coming model named Carter Winston (Jennifer Brooks), who is really going undercover as a potential abductee.Well, before you know it, Carter is kidnapped and the ad man is screwing Ginger on shang carpeting. 
After the loving, Ginger is taken hostage herself, while the three cheerleaders are sold to lonely businessmen, and they seem to enjoy it. But it's not over yet - there's a big, daring rescue scene and an "eye for an eye" revenge scene involving Ginger, the ringleader, bar of soap and a hot shower.
After the loving, Ginger is taken hostage herself, while the three cheerleaders are sold to lonely businessmen, and they seem to enjoy it. But it's not over yet - there's a big, daring rescue scene and an "eye for an eye" revenge scene involving Ginger, the ringleader, bar of soap and a hot shower.
Despite some semi-disturbing bondage moments, the film is pretty watchable. With plenty of laugh-out-loud bad dialogue and wooden acting, THE ABDUCTORS does impress with several overlong helicopter and plane sequences as well as a groovy soundtrack (which seems to stop suddenly half-way through the film). Ginger's skimpy outfits and outrageous hairdos are fun, you can totally tell where the producers put most of their money. So if you want to see some silly, poorly-lit and unsexy T & A - THE ABDUCTORS is for you.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Monday, January 24, 2011
All Things PRETTY
It's been a while since I've updated you all on PRETTY, the smash hit webs series that I am one of the executive producers of.
So, in case you don't know - PRETTY is a hybrid parody of kiddie pageant reality shows (TODDLERS & TIARAS, LITTLE MISS PERFECT) and soap operas. Created, written and directed by Steve Silverman and produced through Velvet Candy Entertainment.
The first 5-episode season followed the travails and triumphs of the Champagne family: pageant dad Michael (Sam Pancake), working mom Ribina (Dee Freeman), their 6-year old daughter Annete Lashondra (Stacy McQueen) and opportiist uncle Ethan (Troy Conrad). Joining them on their adventures were Miss Star Eyes pageantistas determined Parker Kensington Parker (Terri Simmons) and fame-whore Royce Adams (Michael Taylor Gray).
Season 2 brought in a whole slew of new characters and storylines as we met recovering Athesist and Champagne sister Meredith (Kirsten Vangsness of CRIMINAL MINDS), Michael's scheming ex-wife Lucy Devonshire (Jennifer Elise Cox of LOVESPRING INTERNATIONAL) and Lucy's adorable daughter Lily (Isis Silva). Newly crowned pagent director Royce welcomed his new aphenphosmphobic wife Ginger (Alison Quinn) and "his Patrick" (David Robert May).
Additionally, special guest stars this season include GENERAL HOSPITAL's Denise Alexander, KTLA MORNING SHOW's Allie MacKay, Melissa Peterman (REBA, THE SINGING BEE, WORKING CLASS), Madeline Long, Ray Proscia, Larry Michaelsen and Kalimba Bennett. For a complete cast list, go here.
The seventh and final episode of the season begins airing today on the PRETTY website and features our Special Guest Joan Van Ark of KNOTS LANDING fame, along with all the folks mentioned above.
Since our premiere in 2010, PRETTY has amassed dozens of great reviews, has made web series Top Ten lists, and has been nominated for (and has won) numerous awards.
Our PRETTY theme song, GUMDROP THE UNICORN (music by Bret Silverman, lyrics by Steve Silverman) is available for download on iTunes. In addition to the original versions, there are 6 kick ass covers from a batch of talented performers: Jennifer Kes Remington & Pakk Hui, Shelly Rann, Bobby Banuelos, That's What She Said, Naked Peasants and Mary Edwards.
Coming up next, a PRETTY event at The Academy of Television Arts & Sciences on February 7th. How awesome is that??? So there you have it, an quick update on all things PRETTY!
Sunday, January 23, 2011
THE GRASSHOPPER
Ever wonder what inspired screenwriter Joe Esterhas to create the cinematic masterpiece called SHOWGIRLS? After watching THE GRASSHOPPER (1970, directed by Jerry Paris, who previously directed 84 episodes of THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW), I'm pretty sure it was this film.
Some sources claim THE GRASSHOPPER is an Americanized remake of the British film DARLING (1966). Perhaps I need to check that flick out too.
Actually, THE GRASSHOPPER was written by Garry Marshall (HAPPY DAYS, et all) and Jerry Belson (THE DREW CAREY SHOW, etc.), adapted from a pulp crime novel called PASSING OF EVIL.
Having been out-of-print on VHS, this "lost" film is now back in circulation - just waiting for a new generation of cult movie fans to discover it.
Before I get to analyzing the plot, I'd like to mention that film's soundtrack has a decidedly MIDNIGHT COWBOY influence and features a track by THE CAROL BURNETT SHOW's very own Vicki Lawrence!
Thanks to the fine folks at The Warner Archive Collection, I now present THE GRASSHOPPER! (Spoilers ahead).
Originally released through Nation General, the film became part of the WB library when NGC folded in the early 70s.
We first see our star Jacquie Bisset as she is preparing to leave for a trip.
Obviously she is leaving home to get away from something. Bad decor, perhaps?
She really must hate this place since she even leaves her adorable kitten behind!
I wonder how Donfeld felt to have his name over the exhaust from Jaquie's jalopy?
Because she doesn't have AAA, Jacquie must hitchhike. A guy in a pick-up picks her up. Feeling a bit Nomi Malone-ish yet?
How about now? Her planned trip to LA is detoured to Vegas!
Ah, the strip in it's glory days!
Jacquie doesn't seem to be a winner at roulette.
But she does have that winning smile.
But horndog stand-up comic Danny Raymond (Corbett Monica) thinks she can use it to her advantage.
So does casino mogul Jack Benton (played perfectly by the late, great Ed Flanders of ST. ELSEWHERE fame).
Retired hunky football pro Tom Marcott (played by retired football pro Jim Brown!) likes her too! The problem is that Jacquie is engaged to be married - in Los Angeles!
She shows up in LA and disrupts her fiancee Eddie's work day by causing a scene in the bank where he works. She announces that she's Christine Adams and she's 19 (really?) and she's going to be married! So Eddie gets her a job at the bank. It seems like the perfect set-up: a handsome fella, a steady job and a nice place to live.
But she's quickly bored to death with Eddie, the job and his boring LA banker friends. She gets herself and Eddie in trouble by writing a prankish note and handing it to a bank customer. Before you know it, Chris is on her way back to Vegas - where life is exciting!
So, like a grasshopper, Christine is back in Vegas at the Stardust.
Danny Raymond teaches her how to get ahead in Vegas and how to smoke in bed all in one lesson.
"In my hometown, I was considered one of the overdeveloped girls." Voila! Christine is suddenly a showgirl in a glittery topless revue!
The star of the show, a pouty-lipped brunette makes a lesbian advance towards her. "If you need anything, just ask me." Hmmm...paging Cristal Conners!
Chris gets to appears onstage in several understated outfits by Donfeld including this furry get-up.
The future Laverne DeFazio makes a brief appearance as one of the Plastic Casters, groupies who follow the rock group The Ice Pack.
Christine takes a liking to the band also.
Especially lead singer Jay Rigney (Christopher Stone of THE HOWLING fame).
Chris decides to join Jay for a shower.
And the band played on...
When Chris gets sleepy during a show, another showgirl hands her some amyl nitrate...she no like, but it does put some zing in her step.
After she announces she wants to become a stewardess, Christine's gay friend Buck Brown (Roger Garrett) is magically drawn to a rainbow-covered pamphlet in her apartment.
In the strangest scene yet, the gay showboys and topless dancers sing "Silent Night" backstage and exchange gifts.
I never thought I'd see boobs while hearing "'round young virgin mother and child..."
Christine's ex comes to Vegas and brings his wife and new baby to visit. Christine looks pleased.
After escorting Eddie & company to the airport, she bumps into Tommy.
Tommy has been brought on by Jack to host the new football-themed nightclub at the Casino.
Christine and Tommy enjoy dinner while a woman plays a harp on a small boat behind them!
Tommy takes Chris golfing, where she keeps her eyes on his balls.
Romance on the roof.
Strata-Flite Ride? Sounds cool!
Chris and Tommy spend an afternoon with a friend's little boy, causing onlookers to question their "family".
Tommy proposes to Christine in front of Circus, Circus.
Luckily they happen to be in Vegas!
The minister's wife announces the wedding party: "A white girl, a Negro, a Jap and a sissy."
And then stands there smoking and yawning during the ceremony.
"I now pronounce you man and wife."
The happy couple.
The wedding night. Cue softcore porn music.
Jack chats with Christine as the marquee changes. He askes for "NUDE" to be bigger. He also asks Christine to "entertain" business tycoon Roosevelt Dekker because it would help Tommy.
Jack gets what he wants.
Dekker (character actor Ramon Bieri) gets Chris a little tipsy.
Then he charms her with his personality.
And shows off his stunning physique.
Things get a bit rough.
Um, make that VERY rough.
Um, make that VERY VERY rough.
EXTREMELY rough.
Yikes!
Shades of SHOWGIRLS once again.
Tommy decides to play a round of golf with Dekker.
Nothing hotter than an angry dude walking through a sprinkler.
Tommy shows Dekker a few swings on the green.
Dekker has a few good moves of his own.
Dekker is a dirty player.
Tommy is pissed.
Really pissed.
Luckily he stops being so pissed.
Dekker lives!
Um, let's get the fuck outta Vegas, grasshopper girl.
Bored again.
Even the local supermarket doesn't excite Christine.
Tommy shoots a few baskets to blow off steam.
Wow - he's good at football, golf and basketball!
Blam! What was that?
Dekker's assistant is quite the marksman. Poor Tommy.
A great, powerful scene as the camera fixates on the ball till it stops bouncing.
Christine is now a widow.
But she finds it in her heart to pick up two hitchhiking strangers.
"Are you holding? Do you have any shit? Hash? Downers? Anything?"
Chris winds up stoned out of her tree on her bathroom floor.
Gay Buck comes to her rescue! Yay, Buck!
Back in Vegas, Chris can't even get back in to the show.
Shades of Marshall's PRETTY WOMAN, Chris meets up with wealthy Richard Morgan (Hollywood oldtimer Joseph Cotton).
Richard offers her everything she's always wanted, "I'll propose on both knees, but I'm afraid I'll never get up"...but she turns him down.
A reunion with Jay leads to more bathroom sex for the duo.
Can't they use a bed for a change?
Christine bares her soul to Jay - she wants to live on a Ranch. Jay bares his ass.
Chris meets up with a guy who flies a small airplane and does skywriting. Okay...
Things get hairy at home with Jay.
Man, can this chick pick a guy, or what?
Hey, we're kinda broke. I have an idea...
Hmmm...
Oh no, Christine. He pimped you out!!!
Wonder if you have a back-up plan to go along with that shaggy wig?
Let's go sky-writing!
F
Take a drag of that doobie.
U
C
K - Oh no she didn't!
"Someone wrote "FUCK" in the sky I need to cover my boobs!"
Lady in red: "I kinda like it!"
Mom to son: "It's a new soft drink."
Who is that dude in yellow?
You have the right to remain silent.
"My name is Christine Adams and I am 22."
WOW - what a movie! After viewing this, my friend turned to me and said "This is the perfect DOUG movie." Amen, grandson. THE GRASSHOPPER gets a 10 outta 10 in my book. What more can I ask for? High drama, ridiculous dialogue, great fashion, fabulously insane wigs, revenge, Vegas, sex, drugs, rock & roll, nudity and dirty skywriting. (You know that skywriting just had to be Garry Marshall's idea).
There's not much more to say other than Jacquie Bissett should have been a bigger star and this movie needs to be elevated to camp classic status - up there with the greats like VALLEY OF THE DOLLS, MOMMIE DEAREST and XANADU. I am so glad to have seen this and am happy that Warners has now made this availble for the world to see.
You can purchase it here at WBshop.com.
You can purchase it here at WBshop.com.
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