PRIVATE PARTS

More goodies from the past...circa 2009...
I've heard and read about PRIVATE PARTS (1972, directed by Paul Bartel) for years. I knew the late Mr. Bartel from his modest art house hits EATING RAOUL and SCENES FROM THE CLASS STRUGGLE IN BEVERLY HILLS as well as his camp classics DEATH RACE 2000 and LUST IN THE DUST, but somehow PRIVATE PARTS managed to escape me.When my friend Jeff brought over the dvd a few weeks ago and showed me the trailer, I knew that we'd soon have to get together to watch it - and I'm so glad we did. This is MY kinda Friday night flick.
The story goes like this: runaway teen Cheryl (cute and perky Ayn Ruymen) and her best friend Judy (munchkin-faced Ann Gibbs) are living in dumpy L.A. apartment. When Judy catches Cheryl watching her and her latest suitor Mike having filthy, dirty sex, Cheryl takes off (with Judy’s wallet) and winds up downtown at the rundown King Edward Hotel - where her eccentric Aunt Martha (the terrific Lucille Benson, later on BOSOM BUDDIES) lives and manages the building. Uncle Orville and her daughter have gone to live with Jesus, so Cheryl is her only family.

Martha agrees to let Cheryl to stay at the hotel temporarily, and we soon meet the madcap residents of the dilapidated building - including a perverted priest named Rev. Moon (Disney mainstay Laurie Main), a crazy old lady named Mrs. Quigley (Dorothy Neumann), who is looking for a girl named “Alice” and a quiet weirdo named George (John Ventantonio), who we later learn is an avant garde photographer.Aunt Martha's hobby is attending funerals of strangers to photograph their souls leaving their bodies, oh and she has a white pet rat named "Whitey". When Martha goes out funeral-hopping one afternoon and locks Cheryl in the apartment, things start to get a little weird. First Cheryl accidentally kills Whitey and then shoves him down the food disposal. Yikes! Then she sneaks out of the apartment and explores the building (much like Alice in Wonderland) and we learn various things about the building and the people that dwell there.

For instance, Rev. Moon has a collection of male physique pin-ups, Mrs. Quigley sunbathes in her apartment and George has a shrine devoted to the mysterious "Alice".

When friend Judy's hunky blond boyfriend Mike (Len Travis) shows up looking for Cheryl, his visit is abruptly cut short when he loses his head. Literally. Then Judy shows up looking for Mike and she soon meets her maker as well.Meanwhile, oblivious to all this bloodshed, Cheryl befriends a cute, but nerdy hardware store worker named Jeff (MY THREE SONS star Stanley Livingston).

Jeff seems romantically interested in Cheryl but she is somewhat intrigued by the mysterious George, who has now began pursuing her in a stalker-ish kind of way.

Lots of crazy stuff follows, but I would not want to spoil it here, because I cannot recommend PRIVATE PARTS any more highly.

But suffice to say, there's some kinky stuff that happens involving Cheryl in a bedazzling Spider-Woman costume, a scene involving blood injected into a sex doll and a there's shocking twist end that it's not too much of a shock if you watch the trailer first. So don't.

To me, Paul Bartel has created an almost perfect black comedy and a terrifically twisted horror film all in one. Composer Hugo Friedhofer's amazing score brings to mind the great Bernard Herrmann / Hitchcock collaborations and helps elevate the whole affair to another level.

This film gets a 10 outta 10. Enjoy!

THE NANNY

Continuing my string of re-posts from 2009...

On the heels of MARY POPPINS, the legendary Bette Davis stars in this tame, but twisted tale out of England's Hammer House of Horror based on a novel by Evelyn Piper (who also wrote the harrowing BUNNY LAKE IS MISSING).

THE NANNY (1965, directed by Seth Holt) is a spooky little chiller that casts Miss Davis as dutiful, dowdy and subdued domestic in a proper household with a deadly secret. Joey (the captivating William Dix), a precocious 10-year-old has just been released from an psychiatric institution and we are told he has developed "a strange aversion to middle-aged females."

From the start Nanny and Joey engage in a wonderfully wicked cat and mouse game. Everything Nanny does to make his return home comfortable is rejected by the bratty, troubled youngster and we feel the pain in Bette Davis' eyes.

The boy's neurotic mother Virginia (the great Wendy Craig, who later starred in the classic Britcom BUTTERFLIES) is on the verge of a nervous breakdown for the past two years, after the drowning death of her adorable toddler daughter Susie (seen in flashbacks).

To top things off, visiting Aunt Penelope (the wonderful Jill Bennett) has a heart condition, so Nanny tries not to ruffle any feathers despite Joey's increasingly hostile antics.

You see, Joey is convinced that Nanny wants to murder him, and suspects that she is responsible for drowning his sister, the reason for him being sent away in the first place. Everyone believes that Joey was culprit.

So Joey goes on a hunger strike, refusing to eat any of the food that Nanny prepares for him. He even refuses to bathe unless Virginia makes Nanny promise to stay away from the bathroom. Boys.

With Joey's dad (the serviceable James Villiers) often away on business, he befriends a sassy upstairs neighbor Bobbie (the charming Pamela Franklin), a mod teen-ager who becomes both confidante and accomplice in pranks he plays on Nanny - like drowning a baby doll in the bat tub.

The suspense builds steadily as we learn the back story of Susie's death and we wonder who's version is more accurate–prankster Joey's or dedicated Nanny's. When Virginia is suddenly stricken with food poisoning and hospitalized, delicate flower Aunt Pen comes to stay in the house for the evening and slowly grows suspicious of Nanny's actions.

Flashbacks recount what actually happened the night Susie died and reveal a shocking secret from Nanny's past leading up to the startling climax where all is revealed. Slight spolier - a visit to an abortion doctor plays into the reveal!

I loved this film. The creepy atmosphere, the wonderful acting and Davis' remarkably restraint performance make it a sheer pleasure to watch. Though it was slow paced, I didn't want it to end. The world that director Holt created was such a fun place to visit.

The scenes with Nanny and Joey are so well acted, you wonder if Davis and the youngster got along at all on set. I give this one a big 10 outta 10.

Susan Tyrrell (1945-2012)

MALIBU HIGH

Back in 2009, I had wanted to watch a breezy comedy for a cool summer night, so I decided to pop in MALIBU HIGH (1979, directed by Irv Berwick) - what could be more light and airy than a California & surf flick from the late 1970s? After all–just look at the poster!

Well, MALIBU HIGH was not what I had expected.

The film centers on 30 year old Malibu High school senior Kim Bentley, the crankiest, most mean-spirited, chain-smoking, free-loading and often topless best friend anyone could ever have.

Kim is nasty to her mother, cruel to her schoolmates, bitchy to her best friend/chauffer Lucy, obnoxious to her teachers and just downright loathsome. She refers her ex's new spoiled rich girlfriend Annette as "a piece of shit".

In true John Waters' fashion, every line of dialogue out of actress Jill Lansing's mouth seems to be yelled at another character. And this plucky heroine is who the viewer is supposed to identify with?

Oh, by the way, for some unknown reason, the electronic music from the 1970s version of the PBS logo is used to bridge scenes throughout the film. Honestly, was it free?

After a wild dance party at Jerry's Disco and Mexican Restaurant, Kim decides to take control of her life (and make her ex-boyfriend Kevin jealous) by becoming gainfully employed by Tony, the local pimp and weed dealer.

So Kim starts screwing all the Malibu locals in the back of a van for $$$ while pledging to improve her school grades. She accomplishes this by having sex with all her teachers in exchange for better marks. Why not? In possibly some of the un-sexiest sex scenes ever filmed, Kim goes to town - and it's all about bad tanlines, hairy moles, rashes and back hair.

In attempt to go "big time," she soon hooks up with a more experienced pimp, Lance. Only Lance doesn't want her to just fuck people, he wants her to kill them–starting with Tony. Will she do it? What do you think?Yeah, that's right, high school student by day - killer hooker by night! I told you this movie was no walk on the beach. It gets very dark, that you even forget that it's supposed to be set in sunny Malibu.

Just to remind you of the locale, it all ends with a giant chase scene on the beach that is accompanied by the long-version of THE PEOPLE'S COURT theme song. I guess it was public domain?

What a strange, awful little film. Not a comedy, but unintentionally funny because its so poorly executed. I wonder why it was marketed as a fluffy sex romp, when its clearly a violent psychological thriller. In any case, it's a worth a look just because it's so bizarre. I'll give it a 6.5 outta ten.

A NEW KIND OF LOVE

In August 2009, as part of the SO BAD THEY'RE BRILLIANT film festival - I went to see the Diana Ross melodrama MAHOGANY, followed by a curiosity called A NEW KIND OF LOVE co-starring the usually great Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward.

What the hell were they thinking? Casting Oscar-winning supercouple, the usually charming Newman and ordinarily lovely Woodward in a fluffy screwball romantic comedy in the Doris Day / Rock Hudson mold? You would think that at least Paul and Joanne would have great on-screen chemistry and a knack for comic timing - but you would be dead wrong. Romantique? Oui? Non!
A NEW KIND OF LOVE (1963, directed by Melville Shavelson) starts out on a misogynistic foot with an overlong sequence comparing women shoppers to a herd of stampeding cows. Excusez-moi?Things only get worse from there as we meet Joanne's Samantha Blake, a butched up manhating "half-maiden" (whatever that means) who works for a department store as a spy who aids in producing knock-offs of expensive fashions (ala mode) for the everyday gal. The wonderful Thelma Ritter steals the show as Sam's old maid wise-cracking man-hungry coworker Leena. Merveilleux!
Sam's boss, penny-pinching department store head Mr. Joe Bergner (George Tobias, better known as BEWITCHED's Abner Kravitz) decides that the menage à trois needs to go directly to Paris to steal haute couture from the source. Unfortunately the film's budget only allowed their doubles to go to Paris, so anytime we see anyone in Paris they are either super-imposed in front of a screen or shot from about a mile away. Bon voyage!
Newman is cast as a sexist (and sexy) journalist Steve Sherman who can't stop screwing every woman he meets - which lands him in deep excrément when he mistakenly beds his boss' wife. The results? He is exiled to Paris via SAS Airlines! Can you guess where this is going? En garde!Paul and Joanne have a few awkward encounters when he mistakes her for a man and she calls him on his drinking and sexist ways. Hungarian sexpot Eva Gabor comes along and joins Thelma Ritter in competition for Mr. Bergner's affection for champagne and French Onion Soup, bringing the moribund story back to life everytime they appear. Ambiance!
We learn that Sam really doesn't hate men, she was just burned once and decided to cut her hair and dress unattractively to spite them all. What follows next is an odd religious ceremony overseen by ancient French icon Maurice Chevalier (who does an endless medley of his songs).
What I've learned that apparently on Saint Catherine’s Day (November 25 of each year), couture houses in Paris throw Catherinette parties for all unmarried women over the age of 25. The women are forced wear exotic hats in Saint Catherine’s colors, yellow and green and run through the streets of Paris like raving lunatics looking for men, sort of what the Red Hat Society does in the US today. Oh la la!
In the weirdest sequence in the entire film, Sam, drunk on booze and Chevalier songs, says a prayer to a statue of St. Catherine and the statue tells her to go to Elizabeth Arden for a makeover. For real. Sacrebleu!

So, Sam does this and through a montage we see her transform from a tomboy into a ridiculous drag queen named Mimi. Mimi winds up at an outdoor cafe where concentration camp survivor/TV actor Robert Clary pimps her out as a call girl to - you guessed it - Steve! Aidez-moi!So Steve decides to do a series of articles about the prostitutes of Paris and his subject is our "half-maiden" Sam. She decides to play along with the charade, feeding Steve stories from CAMILLE. When she runs out of ideas, she relays one of of Eva Gabor's sordid tales. Silly and poorly-executed fantasy sequences play out featuring Sam/Mimi and Steve. Au Gratin!

Through a series of wacky occurances, Mr. Bergner gets engaged to Eva, then after her tawdry past resurfaces in Steve's article - the engagement is off, so Steve fixes Mr. Bergner up with Sam/Mimi! In the end, Steve figures out what Sam is up to and after threatening to strangle and punch her, decides to French kiss her and declare that he wants her to be the mother of his children. S'il vous plait!
And poor Leena finally gets Mr. Bergner to notice her after 15 years and they decide to go out for Fench Onion soup. Bon Apetit!

Overall, A NEW KIND OF LOVE an unappealing mishmosh with poor pacing, flat dialogue, unfunny jokes and terrible editing choices. Seek it out only to see what happens when great actors make poor choices or if you are into the fashion, wigs and look of 1963 Paris. I wonder what the French thought of this film? Au revoir!